Well. The big 1 8 is comming up. Legal status and all. I’ve been thinking hard on this for a while and I believe that I said that I would do it too. I don’t remember if I said when but now it’s sort of an emergency. Now it’s a medical condition. What on Earth am I taking about you wonder….

My lovely 36D Chest.

It way too big…..

I have never been able to see my belly properly, never been able to exersice or do sports properly. Wearing 2-3 Sports Bra’s at a time kills my aching shoulders. Even Gynomastia shirts don’t work well. And Now, I have severe back pain. I already have mild scoliosis and it’s going to worsen soon.

Next year I’m going to either get insurance to pay for a breast reduction, either through my parents insurance (which is pretty damn good) or I’ll go sign up for my own though thats the last thing I want to do since it’ll be on me to pay for it every month and it’s won’t be as good as my parents own which is City Funded.

New York City’s Employee Insurance…Can’t beat it. Everything is free. My $10,000 pump. Free and they’re asking me now if I want the latest $15,000 model now. Thats good insurance.

Since I have back pain, surely they can say it’s a medical expense. Well lets hope Im brave enough next year to ask the parents for that insurance card and even braver to go and see the doctor and do it.

I really want to be a B-Cup…I think it’s the perfect size..Still Big but can be squished down with not pain when not wanted.

I bought some B-Cup Sized bra’s from the flee market a while ago.

So Pretty.

Very Pretty Eh?

Too bad I can’t wear them now. But I hope to someday. Im going to show the doc the size of them. I think that the size and shape will fit me very well.

Im also thinking about Financing Liposuction. They have plans that will help build my credit score and everything so why not. Two birds with one stone.

Get some much needed inches off the thighs and belly. Smooth out the love handles. There is a very strong body under all the flab. A good body. This is the only way now I see to take care of it. Show it off like it was ment too.

I want to buy cute clothes and have them fit. I don’t want to struggle to put a shirt on. I don’t want to always have topin a shirt to my bra to hive cleavage that shows anyway. ‘m sick of the “uniboob” look. I want to were strapless things and tube tops…..

In short I want to look good. Better than I do now. I want to feel good about wearing clothes. I want to be able to were just one small size and stick to it unless Im overseas and sizes are diffrent and even then I want to be able to buy good sizes. Last time I went to England and shoped at Primark I had to buy a size 16-18……..that was sobering. However I felt slightly good about shoes being a US 10 I turned into a UK 6-7. Superficial as it may be.

I figured that for my birthday I could start out with a series of Chemical Peel treatments. Lighten up my skin a bit. For now Im trying to be more religious about my Umbrella and sunblock use but it’s hard. And I feel bad and stick to the shade. I have to try harder. Be Consistent.

I don’t think it’s too much of a reach to attain Aaliyah’s skintone. She’s so beautiful. I am serious in love with her.

Aaliyah and Jet Li....I still wish they kept that Kiss in the movie!!! It was a fine moment in Blasian Love.

I had to throw in some Queen of The Damned.

And Now My Favorite Pictures not of Queen In The Damned.

The Close Up Version...just because.

I had around 30 pics to post of her but I felt that it was overkill and that everyone gets the point. I have the above picture and the Queen Of The Damned Picture as my iPhone 4 background.

I seriously love her. I wish she was alive still.

I bought this book.

Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

I also got this one. Which I’ve been wanting for a while. Im a fan of SD’s books.

Hopefully they will give me some kind of inspiration. Motivation.

I will get through this…

Everything Will Be okay in the end, if it’s not okay, its not the end.

And Thats a fact.

I did very well today in my classes! I wrote up a list of things I wanted to accomplish that day and 2 of the things were to answer a minumum of 2 questions posed by the teacher in each class. In English- which was one of the classes- I answered over 10! I have to brush up of Psychology though. I need to expand my thinking so that I can come up with unique questions and views. I need to assert myself more. I had all the notes and oddly enough it seemed to put me at an disadvantage. I had nothing to talk about to the teacher. I will try harder for next time. I will study the future and past notes till I know them by heart.

Kitteh Daughter txted me if I wanted to go to New Jersey and I said yes. This was last night. Little did I know that mere hours later I would get an email from the BMCC Leadership Academy for my interview. Short story short. I messed up my timing and ended up reschhdualing the time for tomorrow. All the while thinking that I was late to meet Kitteh to catch the bus to NJ. I made it on time thankfully but I left early after shopping.

But before I go into what I got there was something that happened. Something that usually happens when this person is around. We’ll call’em CC.

I met CC through David. CC is one of David’s best friends. As to how they met, it’s still sketchy to me. As to how they remain friends is even more so brain scratching. A good majority of David’s friends that I have met or know about are racist. No one is light weight on this issue. His friends range from Middle to over the extreme when it come to issues involving people of color. If I’m not mistaken, one of David’s friends is actually an advocate for the KKK (Ku Klux Klan).

That Terrifies Me.

I stright up told David that I never wanted to meet thous people. Thankfully I never did, but it made me wonder why on Earth did he hang out with them.

Apparently it was a stupid question to ask.

David is Hispanic, but he’s White Hispanic. He acts and look more “white” than Hispanic/Latino and for that his racist friends forget his last name. Something I will never forget was when David told me that his friends were actually against him dating me. Their words as spoken by David were ” Why are you dating a Black Girl?Why Can’t you date a nice White Girl instead?”

I had a very strange feeling that more was said than that but I left it at that. I didn’t know what to say. I was ashamed. I was scared.

For a moment I felt unworthy of dating a man of a lighter complexion than I.

All my life the only males interested in me were naturally very dark skinned old men in their 40+. Imagine me as a 14 year old girl starved for the attention for her peers to receive attention form someone with whom she has nothing in common with.

Someone who only wanted her for her body. For sex.To simply use and discard. To go to the bar and laugh with his friends at this girl when he’s through.

Admitedly silimlar things have happen with people closer to my age but the point is I started hating myself for being black.

Obviously there are more reason behind this than what i”ve said here but Im tiered of it. I sick of always having to prove myself, of never being able to relax. I wear business attire to school everyday and force myself to put on makeup just so that I can be taken seriously by my teachers and peers. I cannot take a “Casual Friday” and come dressed in jeans or sweat because that immediately lowers my status in the eyes of my peers and teachers. I become unkempt next to the wild haired red head with green eyes, I become unintelligent next to the dashing brunette with long straight hair and pale skin, I become dull next to the pretty blonde with round blue eyes and tan skin. Even though we were the same things.

Admitedly, I does make me happy to know that I look good and when Im in the mood for it makeup isn’t that bad.

But does this mean I’m trying to pin this on something that it’s not?

I digress.

We went to a japanese super market called Mitsua. Everyone decided to eat. One person decided to get some fried dish and I was looking at it wondering if it would taste good. CC sees me and says I should get something to eat. CC also adds that I could probably get something fried, like chicken, probably in a bucket size. I glare at him and feel my heart break a little. I refused to buy any food, even though I badly wanted it. Even though my stomach was rumbling from hunger all through Psychology class. Even though I’d had a light breakfast. I refused it and watched in silence as everyone ate.

Towards the end I decide to wander around the supermarket to see if they had the new Palty hair dye. I find it and along with other things buy it and go back to the table were CC and some others were. CC asks to see the Palty, CC looks at the box and laughs and says “Well now I guess you can be like her, all pretty and nice” Some people laugh, others say that it was mean of him. i am stony in my silence and contemplate telling asking him to help me find bleach for my skin but I say nothing because I am not sure what to say.I cannot handle CC. CC’s personality to too abrasive for me. I cannot take jokes well. Im not sure if CC is serious or not.

I am confused.

I am hurt.

I don’t hang out with CC. CC usually appears randomly for any group meeting. CC would never however step foot into my house. He all but said it. He was in fact surprised when people told him I lived in a rather big house. He was expecting an apartment. Somewhere in the projects, the slums, a bad unsanitary place where you usually find…….

Black People.

Questions and comments continued on from there that did little to ease me…I relaxed when I left. I put CC in the back of my mind.

But in the end I am left with me. My own thoughts.

Kitteh daughter was taking pictures and kept saying that in everyone of them my features could not be seen. All she saw was darkness and bursts of contrast. I attempting to adjust the setting to take a better picture of me but she refused and immediately what came to mind was “Oh yes, let me leave them so your pretty pale face will come out clean”

I regretted it but at least I didn’t say it out loud.

I’ll admit that I am jealous of thous lighter than me. Makeup is easy to find and most colors look good. Foundation is easier to match. No need to worry about that Ashy effect unless your tanned but then you’d use bronzer instead.

I have somewhat given up on hair. but I must say that more than once have I tried various ways to lighten my skin. Mainly pills and cremes but I once saw a bottle of Hydroquione on Ebay and was sorely tempted to buy it. But I though of all the upkeep and cancer risk and I ended up walking away from it.

However when ever I see Kitteh daughter holding her little umbrella against the sun and I see her beautiful skin. I want to cry. I feel even more so worst when I see Ben’s girlfriend following behind Kitteh getting shade under her umbrella. Also trying for perfect skin.

Perfect pale skin.

Is is really bad of me to want what I don’t have? Why should there be a rule as to what a person can want. A person can want a nice car but not blue eyes? A person can want a mansion but not white skin? It’s contradictory.

Or am I the contradiction?

I forgot what it's called but it's basically pancake mix and bean custard.

The people I was with. Ben in the far corner. I am the only dark one, not even in the pic.

People I was with and First daughter to the far right.

At first all I saw was the "Melo" part and thought it said "Mello" as if Mello from Death Note.

nail salon ad

I got Dolly Wink Lashes at last. #1 I believe. Very cute.

NJ tax kills....The prices Kill.....

Cute saying by Tsubasa

Weird dreams....

It’s as the title says….It will kill me I’m telling you…

So It’s the First day of French class yes? Yes. Thought I had to go all the way to 125th street from Chambers….

Now If you don’t live in NYC, I understand that you have no idea what Im talking about but lets just say that from where I live to 125th street is about a 2+ hour overcrowded train ride with no seat to sit in the entire time and a bag of valuables and heavy books that were killing my back.

I got to 125 street. and went up and down the stupid buliding looking for the class. No dice. Asked people, no dice. After calling the school main office twice. I finally get an answer…..

“You class is in the main campus under the bridge…..lalalalalala”

It was at the main campus…..?

You mean a 20 min ride on an overcrowded train ride with no seat to sit in the entire time and a bag of valuables and heavy books that were killing my back.

Wahhhhhh?

So now Im at my school other campus where Im awaiting my next class to begin since by the time I got back my French class was over. Im frustrated and it doesn’t bode well for the rest of the day. Im trying to play it off and be cool but seriously. They told me my class was at 125st. Now I find out that it’s at the main campus. I want to cry, but Im going to pull through this. Im going to go all out and find the teacher before the next class and hopefully get the syllabus and whatever I missed. I still don’t know who the teacher is for sure though which irritates me to the max but I have a department and I have two names and I’m going to suck it up and ask.

“He who asks a question is a fool for 5 minutes, He who does not ask remains a fool forever.”

A little Chinese proverb from my Adelphi Academy Days, that I like to keep in mind.

I feel a little better now.

So I realized that school starts in about 2 days like…..now.

Im ready and all but Im nervous. First impressions are everything and I don’t know what Im going to wear.

Im going to look buisness casual but do I wear a skirt or pants..Then what shirt…and then the stupid shoes I ordered from amazon won’t come in…God knows why. I just cancled them. Amazon keeps saying they can’t charge my card over and over again and I’m sick of it. Nothing is wrong with it. Theres money in the bank for all the stuff I order….Paypal doesn’t seem to have a problem….but then again they have my bank stuff too so thats like direct access….

I signed up again for JuxaposeFantasy. I fucking love thouse stories but The way the owner has it set up kills me….She updates without fail every week but you never know what she’s going to update….It’s been a year and one of my favorite stories hasn’t been updated at all…..Very fustrating but the stories are very good and I’mm willing to wait. I’ve been reading them since 2008.

I’ve settled on a style of makeup for daily wear. Eyelashes and eyeshadow. I think I can do it in the mornings. and if I do the eyelashes before bed then I take only 5 minutes in the morning with eyeliner. Simple.

But I just noticed that my forehead is plauged with acne! Why? Why now? I never really used to care for it but now I don’t want it anymore. I’m currently trying to dry it out with the Acne.org solution. Thank God for Daniel Kern…

My books for 2 of my classes have been backordered by my school because the teacher have only now decided to release them. bastards……

Did I mention I changed the time on on of my classes….

Speech is now and hour later on Monday due to the fact that traveling will take a while. Im going to tough this through! I will make it out okay!

My teachers are 50/50 male female which is kinda good for me because in terms of what I wear I can be neutral but what worries me is that the teachers for the important classes namely Psy,Eng and FRN are the females……how does one appease PMSing women?…..simple…you don’t...you stay the fuck out their way and pray. Haha!

I have a good feeling about  it all though. I just need to get my look in order for the first impressions then study and keep my head on for the rest of the year. If I look like an ‘A’ Student I’ll be an ‘A’ student in my teachers eyes and since their eyes are whats going to be looking at m transcript and want them to see themselfs putting only ‘A”‘s down…..

Im going to be their Superstar.

I love  doing puns on the band name “Cute is What we Aim For”.

But Seriously.

I wanna be cute. I wannna look cute.

Most of my Youtube Vids are of me not looking too cute.

Why?

Im too lazy to spend a hour doing my hair and makeup for a 10 minute vid only to wash it off right after.

But I think of all the people who might watch.Do I want them to see me like that…No..but then why make vids?

Cause I want to. Simple.

But Im going to put in more of an effort to look cute.

I caved in and got a Candy Sugar bag. The Nice Cheap Ebay one and Loose Socks all for the lovely price of $62.33. $5 of which Im actually waitng on to be refunded because of the beauty of combined shipping. So I’ve saved my self a whopping $30 from Lawrara and when I checked Y!Japan and added seller fees and everything else I’ve saved $50. And I got Socks?……You bet Im feeling good.

Now for Spamage of Models with it.

How nice……

Lawrara’s comes with a shopping bag though and even though Im slightly upset at not getting it. The savings is too much to ignore…..

Apperently Rina is either MIA or is ignoring me for God knows why but I found a cheaper Shopping Service than her (kukuku) and ordered this beautiful bag that has plagued me since Jlist first stocked it then removed it ….bastards.

I also got the matching cup.

Buying them together through the shopping service is about the same price as buying the bag alone so Im super happy about that.

I’ve been on the watch for message pills like this.

However it’s not to put messages in them…more like to poison people…Haha! Im kidding however I’ve alwasy been obsessed with the consept of Messages in a bottle. my last domain name was MSInABottle.com after all!!! And After seeing Memento Mori (aka, Yeogo gwae-dam 4: Moksori, Girl’s High School Horror: Voice, The Voice,Whispering Corridors 4: The Voice(UK)). I’m hooked for life.

Definately for school Im going to make more of an effort to use makeup and might even switch back to using wigs or at least half pieces. Im even considering eyelash extensions…but ONLY PROFESSIONAL!! The last time I got eyelash extensions they looked good yes but my eyes felt so heavy and I wanted to rip them off…and I did…and I had to buy and use a treatment called MAVALA which I thank the heavens for. My lashes grew back safely and longer and lusher than ever. No more $15 extensions. I’d rather pay the $300 and be happy.But since I am broke indefinitely now with my compulsive shopping. I’ll stick to mascara/fake eyelash strips.

Im still trying to figure out what to do for my hair. I made clip-on bangs but how to style it? So far I’ve figured out how to get the side swept look and spiral curls but…meh..I can’t do that everyday……

I’ll figure something out. Till then I just going to keep making clip-ons….They are seriously addicting….

So.After the jelousy incident my mom took my sister and I bag shopping……. I wasn’t going to get anything but..meh…..I ain’t paying….

I love the color on this.

LV Galleria PM Bag. Been looking for it a while but I wanted the GM not PM...Oh well....

Saw these at Macys. Very cute. Dun know when I’ll be able to get em though.

Especially this one...I Fucking Love it to death! Small Bags = Love.

American Rag now has “Curvy Skinny” Jeans…..I don’t get it…..Well I do but it’s weird to me. If your curvy and want skinny what about Bootcut Jeans???? But then again Im not fashionable so it seems……

My Obsession with VT Lead me to this. They didn’t have any of the Butterfly Lovers Collection…..Duh..This is Ready Made and BL is Couture my mind said but as usual I was deeply saddened…

As a bonus I saw the Damn Candy Sugar bag on Ebay for $32!! Waaaaay cheaper than Lawrara who has it for $70 + $30 shipping....I don’t fucking care if you are authorized to sell CS.DO NOT HIKE UP THE PRICE….But then again the Ebay one could be fake..but then again I don’t care…I like the style so when school opens next week and I can go to the bank in peace again Im going to get it on Ebay and be happy. I wonder where ML got hers from though….Hell. I wonder where she got a credit card from…might be her boyfriend who paid for it….which bring up another point.

I want a boyfriend who can buy things of value for me.The only guy who bought me something silly but of value was Bryan. He got me a wireless Wii remote bar which I still use today which has been of great help since he got it for me. Since he had a job and all Im pretty sure he would of gotton me more things as well. Which rings true with what Ginie Sayles says. The sooner a RM(or in this case a guy) spends a great deal of money on you the more likely it is he is greatly enamored with you and wants to further the relationship to a more meaningful phase which down the line will be a starting point for sacrifices he is willing to make for you.

I asked David once to buy me a Bunny Hoodie when he got a job but by the time he got the job it was too late. He was far from thinking about buying me anything…..ever…….

I wanna date someone who can support me. Who can buy me stuff. I mean the guy has to be decent and all that snaz but he has to have a job or serious money in the bank that he is willing to spend on me. When I go out to eat with him I refuse to spend my hard saved money. Money I had to suffer to get for months.

People don’t really understand how it is I get what I have. My parents won’t let me get a job and they don’t give me an allowance. I beg them for their change when we go shopping or when my mom decides to give me lunch for the week/day. I pocket it and starve. But most of the money I have now is from my 16th birthday party.I got $2000 from that day. Most of it is gone now, but My money supply went up again from my Grad Party where I got about $500. I think only my wedding will beat the money I got for my 16th birthday. Aside from that, I tap inside the Jew in me and pocket coins from the ground. If it rolls near me I resist the urge to pick it up untill I can do it gracefully because lord knows Id just as soon jump on it and hiss at people to back away.

Im smart with my money.I put it in CD’s, and I have some stocks and a Money Market account and a 5% interest savings. I like watching it grow. Just as I like getting my moneys worth. All in all, Id just rather use my guys money than my own its not that hard. I mean it’s not as if Im going to be a cold bitch to a guy that buys me stuff. I’ll be his dotting darling doll if he’ll be my ATM Machine. Mutual exchange.

I’ve been putting this off for a while but I joined SeekingArangement.com again. I mean I’ll be 18 in January and I gotta do something. I’m seriously hesitant about it but I really need some strong  financial backing besides a job. I can’t get a job and do EMT-B training and then working….That has fail all over it. I can do School and hustle the EMT-B traning till it’s done. Then I can balance out EMT work with school and have time for my boy.  Its a good plan.

It’s a plan David didn’t want to accepct.

But the next guy will.

Im growing stronger. I reading and rereading and putting into practice all that I’ve read and studied about people. How to talk to people how to be aggressive/assertive. How to get your way. People by pass things like this only out of fear.

I’ve been reading “Think and Grow Rich: The Black Choice” and it has a chapter on Desire. That whole chapter rang true with me. You will only get something if you want it bad enough. If you didn’t get it you didn’t want it bad enough. It explains it more in detail and I was floored.

In all that I do now. I will do be sheer of will alone.

I want to graduate Summa Cum Laude / Valedictorian with a perfect 4.0 GPA.You best as hell know Im going to fucking do it because I see no other path. I refuse to see perfection in 3.9. i refuse to say “Well, this is the best I can do I guess”. Maybe I sound like Im being hard on myself but I fucking want a good life and if that is what it take to have my version of a good life. You better bet Im going to slave away and do it. I want it bad enough to die for it. It doesn’t sound hard to me in fact it doesn’t sound hard enough. I’ll post later all the books Im reading…..

But for now lets cool down with some humor curtsey of the Purikura studio I went to In Flushing……

These were the lightest of the vulgar sayings……and don’t even start with me on what the rest of the last one said……..Nasty. Haha!

So. Been doing the HCG diet…..well more like just taking the HCG and trying not to pig out too much….

I’ve lost 2.5 lbs so far…..ehhhhhhhhhh. Could of lost more if I was following it properly but I really…really…REALLY can’t stop eating. Everytime I think of not eating I eat……

I can’t wait for school to start so I can get my mind off food.

Oh and yes, I decided on an Asian theme. Usually I like simple minimal themes but I was feeling exotic.

Im slightly stressing over college. I don’t know what to expect. I’ve been going over ways to study and take notes because I seriously never had need to do all the in HS. I just sat back wrote what the teacher put on the board and slept. But It worked for the most part….you know..when I could be bothered to either be in school or stay in school or not sleep, etc…..

I looked up the SQ3R and Cornell Note taking Methods and every Q-Notes…Im slightly scared to use a labtop to take notes in class. but if I have to write one more thing I shall fail epically. My handwriting has evolved to the point where I need a  deeper meaning of illegible to describe it…And also I fucking got MS office and that shit will not go to waste……….Paid too much for it but Im sick of Open Office….MS is so pretty…OO is just bleh…..

I seriously love the Vivianne Tam Netbook….It seriously inspires me. So much so that I’ve decided to go get a tragus piercing and have to studded with butterflies. I bought the earing already which is a solid gold butterfly.

So cute!Im going to get another one because I like symmetry. What happens on one ear happens on the other. But Im not sure when to go get it. I wanna go back to St.Marks but I have no idea where the place is and I don’t really want to go by myself.